Getting Started

Consider This First

Life Beyond the Armor can be transformative when it's the right fit for you. Here's what to consider to make the tools as effective as possible.

The life skills you’ve gleaned, the circumstances you’re in, and your general mental health will all influence how beneficial it might be for you to address your own social hiding. Learning to live beyond your armor is not necessarily “all you need to live your best life”.

*If there are deeper issues for you to address, LBA’s tools won’t get you there. Some hiding is a natural outcome of trauma and other life experiences.* While it might be helpful to start with LBA tools, look to see if your social hiding is due to deeper issues. If it is, please seek appropriate help. But if you feel social hiding is what’s been holding you back, there’s no question that it’s a powerful path to explore.

If you decide you want to jump into LBA’s tools, you’ll find them in the Offerings section. But first, here are some helpful things to know:

1. Mastering social hiding only works in partnership. Social hiding is social! Logically, identifying and gaining mastery over the ways you hide requires (cue the dun dun duuuuun sound effect) being in partnership with someone. Overcoming social hiding in isolation rarely works. Partnering up with someone as a first step your emergence is fundamental because your social hiding comes from social pain. What your system wants to protect you from people so you have to train it to understand that you’re safe with people. So, as hard as it might be to find such a person, partner up with someone who fully believes in your goals and your ability to reach them. Preferably someone who's also transforming their hiding— it really does feel safer and easier!

2. Your inner monologue isn’t reality. We experience our thoughts as reflecting reality, but they're literally “just in your head” —not facts in the outside world. Ever heard two people have a pointless argument over whether it's rude to ghost someone? They each fully believe their own thought is THE universal truth because their inner voices are so convincing, but there are no universal truths about it. The same is true when you want to skip your friends’ potluck because you don’t want to be judged for bringing chips and store-bought dip because you "can't cook"— hold the phone. Your inner monologue is lying. You have the option to run to the store and buy some sour cream and a packet of dry onion soup to make that yummy onion dip. You actually can, because you're human. Turn up the volume on your inner voice, really hear what it’s saying, and know that its only purpose it to protect you. And then know you can freely choose to: 1) Hide at home if you really don’t want to go, turn on Netflix and eat the chips and dip; 2) Set your inner voice off to the side, make the onion dip, and go to the potluck; 3) Have a deeper conversation with your inner voice that concludes in knowing that you can take the chips and store bought dip and be okay if people judge you for it. Transforming social hiding means learning to live with other people’s judgement. You can do that, too. Because you’re human.

3. You can't "just make it all go away.” The painful experiences that created your hiding behaviors were real. Embrace that it happened and that you were hurt by it, this will ironically circumvent any inclination to dwell in the pain. But that social pain was formative, and that matters. Your reaction was perfect and beyond your control—your brain was behind the wheel. We can't make ourselves feel a particular way, no human has that ability, but we have control over what we do with that feeling. So remember that the old saying is true: "Whatever you resist persists." Resisting or denying your social pain will simply make it last, and last. It's only possible to gain mastery over social hiding by saying, "I'm really scared about this because of my XYZ experience, AND right now I want to do this thing I've been hiding from." Once you have the tools built on this solid foundation you will have that ability. You can do it. Because you're human.

4. Gossiping and judging others makes it harder for you to feel safe enough to overcome social hiding. So stop it. The more you teach your brain that people and relationships are unsafe, the more it will protect you. Living in the world of gossip and judgement does just that — It keeps your brain in constant alert for people judging and gossiping about you. Logically, once you stop gossiping and being judgmental, you'll worry less that people are gossiping about you! And yes, it’s entirely possible for you to minimize your judgey, gossipy thoughts and to simply stop having conversations that are based on judgement and gossip. A bonus: It’s a happier life across the board.

5. Consider how your relationships impact your emotional well-being. Most cultures expect that we prioritize loyalty to our friends and families and the same was loosely true for most of the history of the US. However, it is increasingly seen as beneficial to deprioritize our relationships that leave us feeling small, disempowered, judged or anything else that interferes with our sense of well-being. If any of our relationships feel impossible to maintain without a great deal of hiding, our general sense of strength to transform our lives for the better can feel like too high a mountain to climb. In other words, our relationships should lift us up, make us feel strong and great about ourselves. Any that don’t do that may need to take a back seat. This is important in taking mastery over social hiding, which can make us feel extremely vulnerable at the beginning of the process.